Or Life After Divorce
First, Congratulations! You made it out alive!
While divorce is the most common way to end a marriage, nearly 30% of murders each year in the U.S. are due to spousal homicide, with 3% of men killed by wives or girlfriends and 26% of women killed by husbands or boyfriends. Domestic violence is not to be taken lightly, but the truth is too many people stay in an unhealthy relationship because they are afraid of the unknown… and then it becomes too late to make a change.
Deciding on divorce is about the hardest decision anyone can make throughout their whole lifetime. It hurts to let go of that dream of living happily ever after. It means saying good bye to the life you thought you were having together. Nothing will be the same again. It is in fact a death, the death of a dream.
On the other side, you can’t keep living in a nightmare. Once you start thinking about divorce, only two things can happen. You either work through it or you don’t. (Check out Keeping Love Alive ). But living in an emotional roller coaster takes its toll on you. And your children. If it is affecting you, it is affecting them. No one can thrive in that kind of turmoil.
So on the up side, divorce is a healthy option. On average in the U.S., 41% of first marriages will end in divorce, with 60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages ending in divorce. The statistics keep going up the more often we do it, we don’t even get better at it! But it happens to a lot of us, too. It has become a common and acceptable part of life. Not the end of your life, just the end of a chapter. Your story continues…
ONE DOOR CLOSES
I don’t want you to feel as if you have failed, either. You haven’t failed unless you have chosen to become one of those spousal homicide statistics I mentioned above!
On the contrary, it takes two people to become one couple, just as it takes two people to fight and argue and finally decide to call it quits.
Whatever the situation, it is not solely your fault. Both parties are equally to blame – but we are not trying to blame anyone here. That doesn’t matter anymore.
Even if there was infidelity, you will come to understand that there was a breakdown in communication that led the two of you to drift apart long before the third wheel entered the picture.
Sometimes, a marriage never had a chance with a juvenile personality (or two) who didn’t make a true commitment to the other.
You did not do this all by yourself, but you can rely on yourself to forge ahead and start anew. Certainly there will be challenges to face (how will the children be effected?) and obstacles to overcome (how will I survive financially?), but time has a funny way of working things out. Just remember that you are strong and you are in charge!
If you are in doubt, I am here to tell you that we are all here for a reason. And the fact that you are still here on this planet and breathing means that you have more to do.
Let me repeat that: You have more to do. All of us came into this world with a spirit and a soul and an intuition that makes us all equal and all worthy of being in existence, despite what your ex may be telling you and making you feel…
Loss, failure, rejection, disappointment, whatever you are feeling, it is all normal. But you don’t have to stay there. You will get over it when you decide to get over it (and look forward instead of backward).
ONE DOOR OPENS
Whenever you start thinking negative thoughts, like you can’t do this alone or you don’t know what to do, or you are just feeling sad, snap your fingers and change your thoughts.
If you can’t think positive and feel fortunate to have your life before you, make yourself stop and feel grateful. Feeling gratitude is the first step, and you can force yourself to feel that emotion.
SNAP! Think about as many things as you can to be grateful for… from the love of your mom or dad, activities with your favorite friends, the miracles of your children, a roof over your head, a warm bed to sleep in, or food in the fridge…
Little things to big things… be grateful for your beautiful eyes or your radiant smile… the sunshine on your face or the breeze on your skin. Close your eyes and feel it.
If only for a moment, if you can feel the joy you can not feel sad at the same time. Those two emotions can not exist at the same time.
Have you seen people laugh and cry at the same time while they are going through emotional times? It is the switching quickly between the two emotions that causes the laughing and crying at seemingly the same time, but they are pulling out of the sadness and into the joy! Your experience doesn’t have to be so extreme, but you are in control of your emotions.
Snap your fingers and let the sound and the action push you in the opposite direction. The more you do this, the more it will begin to work for you. Eventually, just a snap of your fingers will trigger your brain to change your focus.
Try it now. For three (3) minutes… or even thirty (30) seconds. I’ll wait.
How do you feel now? Take a few deep breaths and smile, your mind is a marvelous power and it is always on. Use it to your advantage and not your detriment.
RELY ON FRIENDS
If you can’t afford counseling or your health insurance doesn’t cover it, find a friend that you can talk to and discuss your worries. It’s better not to keep it all bottled up inside… you’re allowed to vent! Just don’t dwell on the negative all by yourself in your mind. If you don’t have a friend you can confide in, then it is time to make some new friends.
Try these tips in Looking for Love… it works for any kind of love, not just romantic love… we need people to help us through difficult times, and we all deserve love.
Now comes the fun part! Go find some new activities and some new friends… go get some new adventures… a new direction!
And Smile! You got this!
P.S. I welcome your comments, please post below.
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